Sleep Apnea
by missymaggie12
Summary: Kaoru was diagnosed with sleep apnea when he was very young. He had a lot of breathing problems and constant panic attacks. After he got his tonsils removed, the breathing seemed to get better, and he slept without his night terrors. Everything seemed to be looking up, until their mother said they would have separate bedrooms.
1. Prologue

Hikaru thought Kaoru's sleep apnea was strange and unsettling

Being awoke several times during the night was never pleasant. But above all, it was the nightmares that concerned him the most. Kaoru would have them consistently. The most troubling one being the reacurring one, that portrayed Kaoru being ripped away from Hikaru's arms by a black, clouded figure, and being dragged into a pit of darkness. That one would force Kaoru awake, screaming and thrashing. Those nights, Kaoru clung to Hikaru a little tighter, maybe hoping for a blanket from the clouded figure.

It was for this reason that they were never separated into different beds.

Their mother believed it would be unhealthy to let Kaoru go at his fears alone, seeing as Hikaru was there to console him whether or not he was awake. So they slept, wound up with each other in a tangle of sheets and warmth beneath the thick covers.

Kaoru had been to the hospital for his sleep study when he was only ten years old, accompanied by only their mother (an adult was needed, but no other children were allowed) who slept on a cot next to the bed. He remembered the doctors attaching wires into his scalp, kept on by a weird sticky substance. And his head wrapped in gauze to keep the wires even more secure. When the lights were switched off, the doctors voice could be heard on the intercom, telling Kaoru to close his eyes, and move them back and forth.

He needed Hikaru to keep him safe that night.

Ever since then, Kaoru would have bags under his eyes, and would repeatedly be asked to be more alert in class. He found himself having a hard time breathing often. Having several panic attacks in a day, calling out for his brother in all of his times of distress.

The doctors decided that his tonsils were definitely choking him at night. But he was 16 then. Old enough to feel much more pain than a 5 or 8 year old.

The surgery was inevitable, however. Kaoru could not go on without getting his tonsils out. Hikaru would stay by his side the whole day of the surgery, and skip school just to take care of him during his recovery

Once the tonsils were gone, sleeping was a lot easier for the younger twin. He had less restless nights, and the nightmares went away. Everything was good.

Until the day their mother told them they could have separate bedrooms


	2. Don't Leave Me

I could hear the screams again, causing me to bolt out of my sleep.

Kaoru was breathing heavy, sitting upright, and crying. He hadn't done this for three months.

I immediately hugged him and whispered calming words to him "it'll be okay, I'm right here, Kaoru". He gasped and hugged me back, arms intertwining mine as he cried into my shoulder.

I rubbed my hand up and down his back, continuing to whisper to him. The sound of my voice always calmed him before. He must have had that terrible dream again, because he only woke screaming when it was that one in particular.

Once he got his breath back, he spoke in a shaky voice; "Hikaru, please don't leave me, I can't take it". I held him closer and replied "I promise I will never leave you". He started to shake harder, making me pull away in concern to look at his face. He was in pain.

"That isn't what I meant"

I knew what he meant to start with, of course. He was afraid of me leaving him to sleep alone. Ever since mom told him that he could have his own bedroom. She thought he was doing better, but obviously that wasn't the case.

Truth be told, I did want to have my own bed a little bit. I wanted to sprawl out and be independent. Invite over some girls, and live my own life.

But Kaoru needed me, and that was always more important. He needed me to be in his world to be stable and alive. He was always sharing his secrets with me, explaining his deep down depression and helplessness. Sometimes he would tell me he thought everyone would be better off if he were dead.

This is how it all began. I would refuse to leave him alone no matter what. I was so afraid that one day I would neglect him, and he would kill himself in response. He would tell me he was needy, but truthfully I needed him more than anyone else.

I had to calm him down, I had to make it better.

I reached hand out to his face, and touched lightly on his pale skin with my thumb. Moving it steadily across his cheek and wiping some tears away. I kissed his forehead.

"I will never leave this bedroom. All of this room will stay in between us. You will always be my brother and we're gonna be a pair for the rest of our lives, I promise"

I could feel that genuine Kaoru smile under my thumb, and he hugged me tightly, saying my name lightly in between a shallow breath

"I love you"

In that moment, I loved him too. More than he could ever imagine.


End file.
